Thursday, November 24, 2016

Chilcotin Holidays

Conquering the Fear of Dark

Here I am, 26 year old Girl who is still afraid of the dark. You might ask how is this possible? Well my answer is that living in the city there is never truly darkness. This may sound like a sad excuse for avoiding the fact that I never pushed myself to face my fear's and that exactly what it was, an excuse.

Coming to the Chilcotin mountains and living in the wilderness was and still is about finding myself, pushing my boundaries, chasing down my fears and looking it in the face. Since being here, I have been doing just that; finding out what I am made of. Walking around the ranch at night without a flash light, and just standing outside in the dark has been my recipe for conquering this fear of the dark.

Going to Spruce Lake and with a cabin in the middle of the mountains surrounded by trees, water and fresh air, I thought that this would be the best place to test my hard work. I would like to point out here that beside myself there is only one other person with me and the wash room is a three minute walk in pitch dark through the tree's.

On our third night at the cabin, around 2 am, nature called and I got up to answer. My guide was asleep beside me and I didn't want to wake her so I slowly crept out of my sleeping bag crawled over to the stairs all the while reassuring myself that I knew how many stairs there were. I pushed forward and slowly made my way down the stairs, one shaky foot at a time counting as I went. I made it to the bottom alive. 

It is actually quite amazing how many scary movies you can remember in a two second time frame, because that's how long it took for me to realize that. If pitch dark was afraid of something it would be this kind of dark. My legs started to shake, my heart racing, my palms sweaty, my feet felt like cement; I was trapped. Perseverance and determination won out and I found a moment of inner strength and managed to move forward. Three steps in, a hanging string touched my forehead- I snapped. I lost my mind. I was so scared I couldn't even scream. I squeaked, I dropped to the floor and pushed myself against the wall. I thought this was the moment I was going to die.

I let go of the wall. With my chin up, I pressed forward. I made it to out of the cabin and answered natures call. In the end I am still afraid of the dark, but I have also proved to myself that in the face of absolute death I had a small, but precious reserve of inner strength. I can face my fears and ultimately become stronger as I push through.

Chilcotin Holidays

About Chilcotin Holidays

We are a licensed guide outfitter and we conduct guided wilderness adventures throughout our 5,000 square km operating area. This guide area has been operational since 1880, making it the oldest in British Columbia. More about us HERE.

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